Befuddled
by Crystallord
Summary: Poor Inu-Yasha has a snowball's chance in Hell with Kagome Higurashi. So naturally the Devil offers him 7 wishes to get her in exchange for his soul. But what happens when the Devil always screws up each and every wish? Sheer lunacy, of course. IY-K
1. Cosplayer On a Stick

Disclaimer: Inu-Yasha and everything related to it do not belong to me, they belong to the people who do, I do not make any (financial) profit from butchering the characters and if you don't believe me may the Devil take your soul (in the spirit of this fic.)

AN: Hey, this is a new fic I decided to work on, just for a change of things. It's not going to be very long, I'm looking at the 8 chapter range, shorter chapters, and it's not meant to be serious at all. Some parts are really silly, so don't take this fic very seriously. And because it's just something quick I'm working on, it won't have perfect grammar or spelling. Just to let you know. This is based on Bedazzled, you know, the movie with Brendan Fraser and Elizabeth Hurley where he wishes for things and they come out all wrong, except Inu-Yasha's wishes will be different (of course). There will be OOC, but that's because it's humor. I'll try not to stray _too _far. (Like Fluffy-chan in ARP). Also, I don't mean to insult anyone here, as I talk about God (for like one line) and other things. I can't remember what they are now. Anyway, as I or after this fic I'll pick up where I left off elsewhere. Oh yes, and the title for this chapter…you'll get it later. For now…enjoy this fic!

AN2: The hell is QuickEdit? And where's my asterisks? I've been gone for a really long time, I see…

Cosplayer on a Stick

The only reason why Inu-Yasha even bothered coming to school was because of Kagome Higurashi. Why else would he bother coming to a place where everyone tried to kick his ass when his back was turned and sometimes even when it wasn't? Being the school outcast didn't suit him at all, and if it weren't for Kagome Higurashi, he would have burned the place down—or at least stayed home and watched TV all day.

Kagome Higurashi was one of the many girls in Nakusaru High that he couldn't have. The only difference was that she was the only one he actually wanted to have. Then again, so did everyone else. As the high school sweetheart with a sister who was more bodyguard than sister, Kagome Higurashi was the star in the sky that a mere mortal like Inu-Yasha could not reach for, in poetic terms. In laymen's terms, it was never gonna happen. Na-uh. Not a chance.

But a late night bet made in a fit of drunkenness with his one friend in Nakusaru High meant that even if the devil turned himself in to heaven before Kagome Higurashi went out with him, Inu-Yasha was going to ask her anyway.

_Damn Miroku, _Inu-Yasha thought for the umpteenth time. The upperclassman had preyed on his weak and vulnerable state (which bordered on dead-drunk) and as a result Inu-Yasha was going to humiliate himself in front of the one girl who ensured that he got an education.

But never mind. Inu-Yasha was going to ask her because he wasn't a wuss. And even if she laughed her head off or tried to bury him alive, at least he would have had the chance to speak to her.

_Today's the day, _Inu-Yasha thought determinedly as he strode into Nakusaru High. Someone passed him and said with a friendly (not) wave, "Hey, bastard! And in more ways than one, eh?"

Inu-Yasha just flicked him off. Name-calling and accident-on-purpose shoves were routine, and dated back to as far as Inu-Yasha could remember. Well, not really. He actually could remember a time when people didn't look at him like he was shit on their shoes. Everything had been just peachy until someone had blabbed that Inu-Yasha was an illegitimate child (which was apparently a Big DealTM around these parts). Since then, he'd been shunned by anyone old enough to call him names (and even by those who weren't).

He entered his classroom and sat down. Almost immediately, someone threw a pencil at his head. Inu-Yasha calmly broke the pencil in two and hurled it back at the offender, nearly skewering him in the process. Just because he was the school outcast, that didn't mean he had to sit meekly and take all the crap thrown at him.

An eraser bounced off his head.

Inu-Yasha was just aiming with an open pair of scissors when the homeroom door opened and Kagome Higurashi walked in.

He froze in mid-aim. Not for the first time he wondered how a woman could make a man weak with just their presence. Not for the first time he answered his own question. _Testosterone, of course. And really incredible perfume. _

Slowly Kagome walked by him, and Inu-Yasha got a huge whiff of her perfume. It was soft and fresh like misty flowers and not too overbearing. Heaven.

She turned her head and acknowledged him for like a millisecond, but Inu-Yasha thought it lasted one happy lifetime. Her eyes were large and brown, her nose cute as a button, her lips full and pink. Her long hair, black as a Nakusaru High regulation school shoe, bounced around her shoulders as she moved. Heaven.

_Say something, _Inu-Yasha commanded himself as Kagome walked away. _Come on, dammit, or else you won't even have the guts to talk to her in the afternoon. Tell her you wanna meet her! _Chansu! __

"H-H-Higurashi," he called after her, his voice breaking.

_Oh, great start, dumbass._ She probably thought he had a woodpecker in his mouth. A castrated woodpecker.

She turned around and smiled, a big friendly smile. Inu-Yasha found it very difficult to breathe. "Yes?" she said. She didn't have any sort of mocking sneer on her face, and her voice held no cruelty. For the first time, Inu-Yasha felt hope. Then again, he also felt like a dumbass so the two canceled each other out.

"I was wondering," he said, then cleared his throat. Kagome tilted her head. "If we could talk today, after school. At the school gate or something." _So if you say no, I can run away really quickly. _

He was aware of the silence in the classroom, and wished fervently that he had big sword made of something cool, like a taiyoukai's fang or something like it, and cut anyone who was watching into pieces.

Kagome didn't laugh hysterically or summon her sister (if she'd done the latter, Inu-Yasha probably wouldn't have lived to see the afternoon.) "Sure," she said, as if she were talking to any old friend. While Inu-Yasha gaped, she waved at him. "So I'll see you later." She walked away and sat with her gaggle of staring friends.

Immediately the snickers rose from the class and filled the silence. "The bastard thinks he can make it with Higurashi!" someone in front of him named Kouga said. Kouga was one of the few who never tired of insulting him, and as a result often made the same insults "But you know mongrels and pedigrees don't mix, right, _Inu-_Yasha?"

_Ooh, witty, _Inu-Yasha thought dryly. Nevertheless, he made a mental note to set a tiger trap for Kouga on his way home from school.

"I thought so," Kouga said in a smug tone. "You know, _Inu_-Yasha, that mongrels and pedigrees don't mix. So don't think you can make it with Higurashi, bastard."

Inu-Yasha ignored him and sat back down in his seat. He exhaled the long breath he'd been holding, his limbs weak with relief and pure joy that Kagome. Higurashi. addressed. him. Hee.

_Today,_ he thought again, mentally making a fist. When that action seemed to hurt _a lot_, Inu-Yasha looked down. Then he remembered he was still holding a pair of scissors. He sighed and wiped his bloody hand on his pants.

_Great, Mom's going to think I cut myself again._

* * *

Inu-Yasha paced in front of the school gates, looking at his watch. It had been exactly one minute and fourteen seconds since the end of school, and Kagome still wasn't here.

_Where the hell could she be? _he thought in near panic. _I mean, how long does it take to get from school to the gate anyway? How could she do this? Argh. I'll kill Miroku for making me do this. After I set the tiger trap. Nooo this is so bad… _

He waited for five more agonizing seconds, then he saw her.

She was moving towards him, an angelic smile on her face. "Sorry for being late," she said. "Were you waiting long?"

Inu-Yasha's somewhat overdramatic agony vanished at the first glimpse of that smile. "No," he said, grinning foolishly and unable to help himself. Her cheeks were flushed pink and her eyes sparkled. Why was she so damn pretty?

"So!" Kagome brushed her hair away from her face. "What did you want to talk about?"

All the words Inu-Yasha had rehearsed flew out of his brain, leaving him with nothing to say. So he tried to fill the silence with sounds. "Um…er…argh…well…" Then his lips went numb on him. It was getting hard to breathe again.

"Yes?"

A drop of sweat rolled down his face.

"Wougodinmme?" he said in an exhale.

Kagome frowned. "What was that?"

Inu-Yasha cleared his throat. "I meant, um, er…"

"Kagome."

The two of them turned around. A tall girl with long black hair strode confidently towards them. Her gaze was level and dark, her jaw set. Inu-Yasha gulped. He wasn't afraid of anyone in Nakusaru High…except this girl. Kagome's unofficial protector. Kikyo Higurashi, known to the world as the Dealer of a Thousand Death Cards.

"Kagome, you forgot to turn off the stove in home economics," she said, touching her sister's shoulder. Her voice was low and calm. _Like the calm before the storm, _Inu-Yasha thought, instinctively taking a step back.

"Oops, I did? Darn." Kagome smiled apologetically at Inu-Yasha. "We'll continue this when I get back, okay?" she waved and disappeared into the school.

Leaving a petrified Inu-Yasha standing across Kikyo, also known as the Fire Tiger of the Blood-Red East.

Kikyo's gaze swiveled from her sister's retreating back to Inu-Yasha, and a tiny smile lit her face. A smile that scared the bejeezus out of him.

"So." Kikyo said, her voice dropping from a neutral tone to one of pure menace. "You think you can harass Kagome-chan without me knowing it?"

"Ah…ah…"

"Did you, loser? Huh?"

"Er…no. I was ah, just asking about homework," Inu-Yasha said, his words stewing in all their lame glory.

"Homework, my ass," Kikyo spat. She lunged forward and grabbed Inu-Yasha's shoulder, squeezing his shoulder like she was trying to grind the bone to dust. "You were hitting on my sister. Admit it!" She glared at him, her eyes burning like hot coals.

"Fine yes I was hitting on your sister now please let go of my shoulder dammit!" Inu-Yasha yelled. Of course, in the pain he was currently in he would have said anything.

With a triumphant cry, Kikyo shoved him away. "I knew it!" She raised her arm in front of her chest and cracked her knuckles. "And do you know what I do to people who annoy my sister?"

Unfortunately for Inu-Yasha, he did. And it wasn't pretty. Most of her tactics involved blood and very high hospital bills. Some had gotten very close to purchasing their own coffin. Others disappeared without a trace.

Reading the doomed expression on Inu-Yasha's face, Kikyo grinned slyly. "Mmhmm, you guessed right. And once I'm through with you, Kagome-chan won't ever have to see your ugly face again…_bastard._"

Inu-Yasha raised his palms. "I'm sure we can think of a way to resolve this…" he began.

He probably shouldn't have opened his mouth. Kikyo, the Death-Queen of the Crying Monkey, was not open to other forms of resolution except her own. That meek attempt at a truce were the last words Inu-Yasha said in a long, long time. 

* * *

_Damn Kikyo. Damn Kikyo to hell._

Inu-Yasha forced himself to roll over and spit blood into the bushes. Even that action had exhausted him. He was content to lie on the ground and wait for his body to heal itself. _Wake me up in a hundred years, _he thought to no one in particular. Now he knew why Kikyo didn't belong to a gang—gangs were too tame for her. Inu-Yasha would have preferred getting beaten up by a gang over Kikyo. Now he also knew why Kagome didn't have a boyfriend.

The thought of Kagome brought his mood from being in extreme pain to being in extreme pain _and _miserable. He wondered what Kagome had done when she saw him in an unconscious, bloody heap. Did she even see him in an unconscious, bloody heap? With the energy it took to push a bus up a hill, Inu-Yasha lifted his head. The sun was setting; the school was empty. It was only him, the fiery sky, and about seven million bruises. And blood. Lots of blood.

It took him ten minutes to stand up, and another ten to bend down and pick his bag up (_woe betide me, _he thought morosely). Then he began the difficult trek home.

Had Kagome anticipated what Inu-Yasha was going to ask and told her sister to 'take care of him?' But she'd looked so friendly…_Bah, wallowing in self-pity isn't going to do anything, _he grumbled to himself. _You're already wallowing in your own blood. _

He ached all over—every step seemed like a victory in itself.

When he'd made it halfway he sat down on the sidewalk, exhausted. He longed to know what could have happened if Kikyo hadn't appeared. He and Kagome would have been able to talk for a bit longer, and maybe she would given him her sweet smile and agreed to go get something to eat…

God, if only he wasn't mangled up and useless. He'd go straight to Kagome's home (with the riot police protecting him from her manic sister) and ask her without stammering or sounding like he belonged in the Vienna Boys' Choir. He'd give anything to see her face. He'd sell his own soul…

Quiet laughter floated past his ears. For a moment, Inu-Yasha's spirits lifted; was it Kagome? But no—Kagome's laughter was different. The laughter floated by again, soft giggles that mingled with the breeze. Inu-Yasha got to his feet and winced in pain. "Who's there?" he called out.

He looked around. There was no one there, save for people milling on the sidewalk across the street. He scowled. _What the hell…? _

"Would you really give your own soul?"

Inu-Yasha yelped and looked upwards. A tall, dark figure stood on top of the lamppost, a black cloak swaying in the breeze along with long black hair. But the most eye-boggling things were the black wings sprouting from this guy's back. Inu-Yasha gaped for awhile, then glanced briefly at the people across the street. Didn't they notice that some weird cosplayer was standing on top of a metal stick?

The figure leapt off the lamppost and soared in the air for a few brilliant seconds. Then he landed neatly on his feet in front of Inu-Yasha's shocked, open-mouthed face. "Hello," he said calmly. His eyes were red, like clear rubies, and his smile dripped with evil.

After a few minutes of staring, Inu-Yasha finally got his jaws working again.

"The fuck were you thinking?" Inu-Yasha yelled. "You could have gotten yourself killed and if you'd fallen right near me people would think I had something to do with it and I've already got enough shit on my hands and I don't need crazy people jumping off lampposts ruining my life any more!" His shoulders sheaved and he sucked in a load of air, ready to release another rant.

"Whoa, peace," the man said, then laughed as if it was the funniest thing he'd ever said. "Why don't you tell me about your problems?"

Inu-Yasha couldn't believe it. "No. I don't need some maniac with wings acting as my shrink." He stopped. "Hang on…are those wings real?"

The man smiled, and spread his wings. They were rich and black, shining cold blue in the setting light. "Shit," Inu-Yasha whispered. Then he yelled to the people across the street, "Do you see this? This guy has wings! Look!"

"Shut up!" came the response.

Inu-Yasha flicked them off and wondered if everyone else was just crazy. Or maybe it was him...

"They cannot see me," the figure said, eyes glinting. "Only you can see me."

Inu-Yasha's head was spinning. "Who the hell are you, anyway?"

"I am Lucifer, Satan, the Prince of Darkness, the Fallen Angel, whatever name you wish to use," the figure said, his eyes glinting. "But most people know me as the Devil."

"No shit." Cosplayers would tell you anything.

"Well, I'm half of him, anyway."

_What was this guy saying? _"Whatever," Inu-Yasha snorted. "And I'm surrounded by a bevy of naked women." He shook his head and turned to go.

As soon as he took a step, several woman sprang out of the air and threw themselves on him. All of them were beautiful, long-haired, and very naked. They giggled as they caressed his skin and curled his silver hair around their fingers. "Would you like us to pleasure you, master?" they asked coyly. "We'll do _anything_."

Inu-Yasha, now hyperventilating, wrenched himself away from the women (a difficult task indeed). The women laughed and vanished into mist. Panting, he looked at The Man Who Claimed to Be the Devil and All Other Synonymous Names. "What did you just do?" he snarled.

"Would you like me to do anything else?" he asked, in an imitation of the women's coy voices. "I can do more things to prove I am what I say, but it gets less pretty."

"Never mind. I believe you," Inu-Yasha said hurriedly. He _had _felt skeptical, but all traces of doubt were gone. A red-eyed man with wings and a fantasy fulfilled could do that. "So, what do you want with me, Mr., uh…Devil?"

"Call me Naraku," the Devil said smoothly. "Anyway, you mentioned something earlier that caught my interest."

Inu-Yasha cast his mind back to his earlier thoughts. What could he have possibly thought that would make the Devil himself come visit? "Uh, damn Kikyo to hell?"

Naraku rolled his eyes. "Please. If I had a nickel for every time someone damned someone else to hell, I could buy my way back into heaven." He smiled devilishly. "Not that I'd ever want to." He took a step closer to Inu-Yasha, way too much into his personal space. Inu-Yasha inched backwards. "You mentioned something about a soul, Inu-Yasha."

"Soul?" Inu-Yasha cast his mind back, and his features twisted into something like recognition. "Oh yeah…"

"Mmhmm. A soul. Your soul, in fact. You'd sell it if you could meet Kagome again, or something like that." Naraku waved his hand dismissively. "And as you ought to know, only so many people have a use for a soul. Someone tried to sell their soul on eBay, and that didn't work. Hmph, the fool, he should have just come to me or murdered someone or something piddly like that. But as I was saying, only God and the Devil have any use for a soul. And God's one being—he can only go so far to chase a soul." Naraku smirked and tapped the side of his head. "But nooo, he has to be All-Powerful and do the job himself, unlike us Devils."

Inu-Yasha narrowed his eyes. "Didn't God _create _you?"

"Shut up before I withdraw my offer."

"Wait…devils? As in plural?"

"Of course. You didn't think there was only one of us, did you? Hell grows a lot faster this way." Naraku gazed into Inu-Yasha's eyes, his ruby eyes shining almost scarily. "Now, how much do you want for your soul?"

Inu-Yasha rubbed his bruised forehead. This was _way _too much to think about after you'd just been beaten up by a girl. "I dunno, what do you have to wager with?"

Naraku smirked. "Wishes. I'll give you seven of them in exchange for your soul."

Inu-Yasha hesitated, brow scrunched as he pondered. A soul was a really big thing, even if eBay didn't think so. But then he paused to think about what he could do with seven wishes. Hell, no contest. "Done."

Naraku's smirk intensified. "Excellent. You've made a good choice."

Inu-Yasha could rule the world with one wish. He could hang Kikyo upside down over a swamp for crocodiles to snack on. He could turn everyone in Nakusaru High into ants then lure them into his lair with ice cream and then step on them.

But best of all, he could get Kagome Higurashi to like him.

Suddenly he thought of something. "Wait, this isn't like Aladdin where I can't wish for someone to fall in love with me, is it?"

The Devil looked affronted. "Oh, please. I'm _Satan, _not a plot device. The only thing you can't wish for is more wishes, because that sucks for me. Other than that, the sky's the limit. Provided that it stays within the contract."

"What contract?"

"Hm…I guess we seal the deal now. You ready to see where the bad people go?"

Inu-Yasha thought that checking out Kikyo's next home was probably a good idea. "Why not, I guess I could go see_yeaaarrrghhh_!" His words meshed into one long yell as the ground opened and swallowed him up.

For a long time Inu-Yasha fell. Underground was a mixture of darkness and flashes of red stone. He wasn't even sure if he was on Earth anymore. He wanted to yell, but his stomach was up in his throat. He hoped Naraku was planning some sort of soft landing because from that height, at this speed, landing was going to be really, really painful.

He landed on his feet, and the shock nearly killed him. It probably could have, if he was still on earth. Inu-Yasha frowned and looked around him. _I guess Hell doesn't care much about the safety of its visitors, _he thought, his head and knees still ringing. Where was he, anyway? This looked like a corporate head's office, not the fiery dungeons of hell. The room was spacious, huge, with large windows and leather couches.

A shuffling of papers brought his attention back to the front. Naraku stood behind a large desk with a single sheet of paper in front of him. Next to him was a tall man with long silver hair and purple markings on his face. He wore an elaborate costume of silver, with a furry thing over his shoulder. Inu-Yasha shook his head. _What is it with the devil and cosplaying? _

"Ah, Inu-Yasha. So glad you could join us," Naraku said, bowing slightly. "Welcome to Hell."


	2. Stripped

* * *

AN: Warning: major stupidity in this chapter. Just so you can't say I didn't spring this on you. 

I'm thinking of upping the rating to R, but I'm not sure if I need it so much. R seems a bit extreme, but I'm afraid this might be too much for PG-13. I dunno if it'll get raunchier than this, though (and this isn't even raunchy!) thinks about it maybe not, but then...Er, don't really know what to say, but…well I had fun writing this. It's nice just to let go and not make much sense grin Enjoy this chapter.

Stripped

Naraku smiled at him as Inu-Yasha scratched his head. "What's the matter? Don't look too happy."

Inu-Yasha frowned. "I dunno, I was expecting hell to be a bit more…evil?"

Naraku spread his arms out, as if he wanted to include the huge office in his arms. "Please. What could be more evil than the CEO of a multinational corporation?" He made a little shooing motion with his arms. "Now sit."

Something slammed into Inu-Yasha's knees from behind and he fell backwards…into a huge leather chair. "Hey, cool," he said, grinning, ignoring the fact that the chair had just moved on its own. He'd seen more surprising things than _that _now.

"Oh yes, forgive my rudeness." With a dramatic flourish, Naraku bowed to the man beside him. "Inu-Yasha, this is Sesshoumaru, the other half of the devilish duo." He smiled, obviously pleased with his choice of words. "Haha…devilish duo…get it?"

"Yeah, I get it." _Once I get my wishes, I'm wishing him a scriptwriter, _Inu-Yasha thought.

Sesshoumaru gazed at Inu-Yasha coolly. Unlike Naraku, who had black hair and was dressed in black, Sesshoumaru was white like clouds and snow and whipped cream. "He's new," Naraku explained. "He's only been around for a thousand years or so. It takes awhile for the darkness to settle in and make you a true devil with dashing good looks like mine." A single tic marred Sesshoumaru's forehead. "But even on the day he renounced Heaven he was evil enough."

"Why don't you have wings?" Inu-Yasha asked Sesshoumaru.

Sesshoumaru continued to gaze at him with ultimate superiority, and did not reply.

"His wings are white, but he keeps them hidden. He's afraid he'll look like an angel, and he's afraid of anything that looks pure and innocent. Which, of course, explains why he still dresses in white." Naraku shook his head and _tsk_ed. "Probably afraid of too much sharp contrast with his skin. Poor thing, so consumed by vanity. Oh well, vanity's a sin so I don't mind." He spread his own midnight wings smugly.

Naraku clapped his hands together. "So! Le contract!" He bent over the table and pushed the single sheet of paper towards Inu-Yasha. "Just read it and sign," he said, beaming.

Inu-Yasha looked down dubiously. "Isn't it kinda short? I would have thought getting access to a soul would require a contract that was…uh, thicker. More complicated."

Naraku's smile widened. "Why don't you just read it and tell me what you think about it?"

Shrugging, Inu-Yasha looked down. He saw thousands of spider web-thin lines but no words. He scowled. "What the--?" Naraku helpfully thrust a magnifying glass under his nose. Inu-Yasha took it and held it in front of the first line. Even with the magnifying glass, he could only make out tiny, tinyletters that he'd need another magnifying glass to make sense of. He'd have to be a single-cell life form if he wanted to read the contract. He looked up angrily. "How the hell am I—"

His voice trailed off. Naraku and Sesshoumaru were now standing on either side of a flat screen TV that had shown up out of nowhere, which was now playing something very interesting.

Inu-Yasha watched in a stupor as Kagome Higurashi ran across the screen in slow-mo, smiling happily. Suddenly he saw himself on screen, waving. Kagome ran into his arms and they hugged in passionate bliss. Then she lifted her head and they kissed in passionate bliss. The Inu-Yasha on the screen turned his head and smiled at him, as if saying, _this is what you could get, buddy._

It looked so good. But…

"But I can't read the contract," Inu-Yasha said slowly and numbly, like was saying the words against his will. _Damn my conscience! Argh!_

"Let me sum it up for you. Basically, you get seven wishes, and at the end of it, I get your soul. You can't change your mind once you've wished for something, but you can get out of it if it displeases you." Naraku snapped his fingers as he remembered something. "Oh yeah, and although I said the only thing you can't wish for is more wishes, you also can't wish that I wouldn't take your soul, or that the contract didn't exist, because that's not allowed in the contract. Oh." Naraku's lip curled. "And you can't wish for world peace, either. Hell forbid."

He tapped the sheet of paper in front of him. "So will you sign?"

Sesshoumaru offered a red pen.

"I dunno, it seems really fishy to me…" he stared as the Inu-Yasha on TV shook his head at him. Beside him, Kagome stood on her tiptoes and teasingly nibbled his earlobe. The look on TV-Inu-Yasha's face was so very enviable.

Inu-Yasha grabbed the pen and signed.

"Excellent!" Naraku clapped his hands and the contract vanished. He held out his hand, palm up, and a small red device fell into it.

Inu-Yasha eyed it warily. _Is that what a soul stealer looks like? _

"This is a backtracker," Naraku said, holding the device out for him to take. "In case one of your wishes doesn't work out."

The human in front of him narrowed his eyes. "And why wouldn't they work out?"

"Haha, isn't he a funny one?" Naraku said loudly to Sesshoumaru, who made no sign of registering Naraku's words. "See, Inu-Yasha…we'll grant your wish. But we'll grant them the way we like. And the way we like might not be the way you like it. That's why you've got a backtracker if you find yourself unhappy with a wish. See? The devil plays fair." But the look on Naraku's face hinted that the devil did nothing of the sort.

Inu-Yasha took the device—it looked like a calculator, but with characters instead of numbers.

"We thought of making the backtracking password '666,' but that number is so passé. We've been using it for two thousand years." Naraku sat back against a swiveling chair that had appeared out of nowhere. "So we decided to make the passwords personalized—customers seem to like it better that way. You know, make them feel like they're special and all."

Inu-Yasha tossed the device into the air and caught it. "So what's my password?"

"You, my friend…Inu-Yasha…" Naraku's eyes glinted. "If you ever feel like you're not happy with a wish, just punch in o-su-wa-ri."

It took awhile for Inu-Yasha to get the joke. When he did, he considered hurling the device at Naraku's head, but decided against it. You just didn't throw things at the Devil.

Naraku laughed as he saw Inu-Yasha's eye twitch. "Isn't it great? No one expected the Devil to have a sense of humor! Tell the Big Guy up there that his stupid propaganda about us being ugly and mean and brainless are wrong! Oh wait…you won't be seeing the Big Guy anytime in this eternity." He paused to let that sink in. "So what'll your first wish be?"

Inu-Yasha blinked. "I have to think of one now?"

"Now's a good a time as any. Come on, how hard can it be? You've got seven of them."

What could he possibly wish for right now?

He looked back at the flat screen TV. Inu-Yasha was now reclined on a couch in a huge living room filled with expensive furniture, with Kagome sprawled over his lap and doing fascinating things with her tongue. He was wearing what looked liked mink, but with the way Kagome worked the buttons he probably wasn't going to be wearing it much longer.

Inu-Yasha clenched his fist determinedly. What other perfect life could there be aside from being stinking rich and having Kagome at his side? "I wish I were rich, and handsome, and upon seeing me Kagome will fall deeply and madly in love with me!" he yelled, rising to his feet.

"Please, give me details," Naraku said in a bored tone; this was the most common wish people made, after world peace of course (how disgusting). "How handsome? And you have to give me…you know…_measurements_."

"Where in the contract does it say I have to get technical?" Inu-Yasha demanded. Sesshoumaru leaned forward and tapped a space on the contract. It could have said 'Entitles the damned to free hot dogs at Beezlebub's Bitchin' Grill' for all he knew. Inu-Yasha slapped his face with his palm. "Whatever. Use your imagination. As long as it looks good."

Naraku nodded slowly, a mischievous grin on his face. "So we'll give you a butt like Brad's…"

"…And a wonker like David's." Sesshoumaru finished without a speck of emotion. He was used to this.

"Ah, no," Inu-Yasha said hurriedly. "I mean, those look _good_, but not like—"

Naraku smirked and raised a hand. "Your wish is our command." Before Inu-Yasha could protest further, Naraku snapped his fingers, the sound ringing with scary clarity. "Your lady love is waiting, Inu-Yasha," he said softly as the young, innocent, sadly stupid mortal vanished from Hell's office. "Enjoy it while you can."

* * *

Inu-Yasha woke to the sound of too-loud-for-human-ears-to-cope dance music blaring in his ears. He sprang out of bed, mind ringing. "What? What the hell---?" he mumbled.

"Oy, Inu-Yasha, get up! The day's almost starting!" Someone leaned over him and nudged him. "Hurry up and get your stuff, we've got a gig in thirty minutes!"

Inu-Yasha stumbled groggily out of bed. He barely heard the person whistle and say, "Whoa, keep that Willy Wonka in his factory, man" over the pulsing music that seemed to shake the room with every beat. "Where am I?" he muttered to himself, looking around.

He was in a large room filled with animal skin rugs and neon lights. One wall was just one giant window, which revealed that it was nighttime. _But didn't the guy say the day…?_ Another wall was made entirely out of mirrors, and several men were stretching in front of it. Others were rubbing oil on their chests. Inu-Yasha rubbed his forehead and moved forward. "Where am I?" he said again.

His head collided with something cold and hard and rang with pain. Inu-Yasha blinked the splotches of light from his eyes as he stared at the tall metal thing in front of him. "What is this?" He'd seen one of these things before…he just had to put his mind on it…

_Oh yeah…this thing looks an awful lot like…a stripper pole…eh?_

"Hey, Inu-Yasha!" A hand clapped his shoulder. He turned around, growling, and was face to face with a tall black man with a body that seemed to be chiseled from ebony. The man smiled, and his teeth were blinding white in his dark face. "Have you practiced the routine for tonight?"

"Tonight?" Inu-Yasha repeated slowly.

"Yup. It's a big one tonight. Fifty of us were hired."

"Us?"

"Yeah. The best of us." The man looked confused. "You seem really out of it. Maybe that hard partying last night with the old widow really wore you out, huh?"

Chills rolled through Inu-Yasha's body. What the hell was going on? "What's going on?" he said out loud. "Who are you?"

The black man laughed. "Man, you are so wasted. You don't remember your best bud? Merocu? Ol' Mero, who always watches your back when you get swamped by the ladies? And get ready, we're leaving soon. You'd better start stretching before then."

Inu-Yasha shook his head and swiped the man's hand off his shoulder. "This wasn't supposed to happen…" he muttered to himself. "I was supposed to be rich, and handsome, and with Kagome…" He noticed he was wearing a black fluffy bath robe. He rummaged in the pockets and pulled out the backtracker. _O…su…Naraku, you screwed up my wish, damn you…wa…_

Mero heard him. "What are you talking about? You _are _rich, dummy."

Inu-Yasha stopped typing. "I am?"

You're filthy rich, with the woman who drool after you every night just waiting to give you hundreds of bucks. And of course you're handsome, you fixed your nose years ago. You've got a Grecian nose and amber eyes and an ass as hard as diamond." To prove his point, Mero slapped said rear end. Inu-Yasha's mouth dropped open, and he clenched his fingers into a fist, ready to punch Mero's megawatt smile into a checkerboard of teeth and empty spaces.

_No one…_no one _slaps my ass._ __

"As for Kagome…" Mero said before Inu-Yasha let loose. "Why does that name sound familiar? Oh yeah! That's the name of the girl whose party we're going to." He winked mischievously. "It's her first time…her sister put her up to it. That's why tonight's gotta be special."

"We're gonna see Kagome tonight?"

"Yeah. Birthday bash. She gets a free lap dance, too." Mero stretched his arms casually over his head. "Hope she picks me. Even though it's free, I could use the tip."

A tic started in Inu-Yasha's forehead. "_Lap dance_?"

Mero burst out laughing at Inu-Yasha's expression. "Of course! Geez, you look so shocked, like all those conservatives. As if you don't give like ten every night," he chortled.

Inu-Yasha paled as white as his hair. The pieces of the puzzle were coming together. He scanned the room again. Men in tuxedos that seemed to be held together with Velcro were filing out of the door. _Long hair…easily rip-able tuxes…oiled chests…_lap dances, _for pete's sake_…With an eerie sense of foreboding, Inu-Yasha looked down at his underwear. His worst fears were confirmed.

Yup. Small, black, and tighter than Joan Crawford's face.

Yes, he was rich and famous, and he was going to see Kagome.

But in a state of near nakedness.

As a male stripper.

_Oh my god. _

_Oh, my, god. _

* * *

"Here we are," Mero said as the limo pulled up in front of a house that took up the entire block. "The Higurashi residence. Looks kinda big."

"Kinda?" Inu-Yasha repeated. He was still in shock. He was wearing a Velcro tuxedo and he was expected to rip it off. In public. This was screwed up beyond belief.

Many times he'd been tempted to backtrack as fast as his toned, waxed legs (oh, such a heathen crime) would take him, but then he remembered that he was going to _Kagome's _party. He was going to see Kagome and, if Naraku had granted his wish right, she'd fall in love with him. _Then, _he thought, in a blur of happy daydream, _I can retire from this degrading business and live happily ever after as a normal person and never have to do a pole dance again. _

Not that he'd ever done one (insert shudder here). Well, according to Mero he'd done quite a few, but none Inu-Yasha could remember. "Okay," Mero said with a grin, stepping out of the car. "Let's get this party started."

Inu-Yasha followed, feeling like a thousand worms had taken up residence in his stomach. From the house the faint thumps of amplified music shook the air. Mero and Inu-Yasha stood in front of the others at the door. Mero leaned over and rang a doorbell. The sound disappeared in the rampage of wild music. Mero shrugged. "Guess we just let ourselves in." He turned and faced the rest of the men. "Remember, whoever does the free lap dance, better make it good. If her sister thinks it's good enough, she might pay in extra. You all remember the Secret Sudden Death Ultimate Championship Money-Money Move?"

"Yes, sir!" Everyone—sans Inu-Yasha—chorused.

"And what are the steps to the SSDUCMMM?"

"Swivel and prick, and swivel and stick!"

_Eek, _Inu-Yasha thought, feeling his limbs go numb with horror.

As Mero was about to open the door, it swung open. A familiar girl with long black hair leaned against the doorframe, smiling. "Well, hello, boys, glad you could make it."

Mero bowed extravagantly. "And are you the lucky birthday girl?"

_Yeah, right, _Inu-Yasha thought.

"Yeah, right," the girl snorted. "I'm her sister. And I'm the one who'll be watching to make sure she stays happy throughout the night. You get what I mean, boys? She stays happy." She drawled out the last word, and all the men smiled knowingly.

Inu-Yasha gaped at Kikyo Higurashi as the men all promised to keep Kagome happy. Where was the Kikyo who threatened to dismember any guy who so much as blinked at her sister?

Kikyo raised a finger warningly. "And if I find out you've made her upset in any way, no amount of money in the world is gonna fix your face from looking like a piece of used chewing gum. You understand that too, right boys?"

_Oh, there she was. _

Her eyes slid over to Inu-Yasha. "You get me, pretty boy?" Her voice dripped heaps of warning.

"Yes," Inu-Yasha mumbled. Only Kikyo could compliment him and threaten him at the same time.

"Good." The scary look on Kikyo's face vanished and she smiled slyly. "Which of you lovely boys wants to escort me back to the party?"

* * *

"Woo woo, shake it, honey!"

"Whoa! I haven't seen _that _size on a human before!"

"Take it off! Take it off!"

"No, take _me_! Please!"

"You gotta move closer, hon…oops I peeked! giggle But you don't mind, do you? It's a crime to keep that beauty hidden."

"Nice butt. Oh! Ooh! If I'd poked any harder I would've broken my finger!"

_Holy shit, _Inu-Yasha thought after the 'opening dance' was over. _But I guess it wasn't that bad._ For some reason, he'd known all the steps, and though he'd just wanted to sink into the floor and die (or at least kill all the witnesses) he'd managed to waddle away with a small fortune tucked in his underwear. Now he knew just how exactly he got rich.

Yep. Filthy rich…and quite literally too, really.

But the money wasn't what was on his mind. Throughout the dance, he'd noticed a certain pair of eyes on him. Kagome Higurashi hadn't tucked anything into his underwear (if she'd had, he didn't know what he would've done. Maybe die.) but he had been aware of her watching him.

Now he was in one of the many bedrooms, un-stuffing his pants of large bills. He was trying to dig in a particularly difficult spot (how the hell did someone get their hands _there_?!) when the door slowly opened.

"Hey."

"Yargh!" Inu-Yasha jumped a meter in the air. "Don't scare me like tha—" he stopped when he saw Kagome holding onto the door, looking timid. "Er," he finished. "Can I help you?" Never mind that this was her own house. Never mind that he was only wearing a measly strap of cloth that barely passed for privacy

"Sorry," Kagome said. "I just wanted to tell you, um, how good you were tonight." She was blushing furiously—Inu-Yasha knew he was doing the same.

"Oh, er, you noticed?" Inu-Yasha wished that just for once he could say something intelligent.

Kagome stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. "Oh, yes! You were the best of them all." Her eyes were shining brightly.

Inu-Yasha was not used to this at all. Politeness, yes. The look of sheer adoration…not quite. Not that he had any problems with it.

"Oh, thanks." he said. An awkward moment of silence passed between them. "Er…Happy Birthday?"

Her face lit up like he'd just told her world peace had finally arrived. "Thanks!" She sat on the bed. "To tell the truth, I'm not used to this sort of thing," she said, looking down at the ground. "It was Kikyo's ideas to hire you guys—I agreed without really knowing what she was talking about. When she said she was hiring the Diablos Men, I thought you were a repair group for my Lamborghini."

"Really." _Really?_

She nodded fervently. "Yup. When I asked her if you guys could give my car the wet look, she nodded and said, 'Oh yes, they have a 'wet' program. The Slip and Slide, I think it's called.' But I didn't expect this at all."

"Ah." _Was she serious?_

"Inu-Yasha…that's your name, isn't it?"

That was the first time she'd said his name. Kagome looked very troubled. "I need to ask you something." She leaned forward, her long hair spilling over her shoulders and against the blue of her dress.

"Huh…" Screw intelligence; he couldn't say anything at all.

"I mean, if that's okay. For some reason, I feel this sort of…_connection _with you. I can't explain it." Kagome stood up from the bed and moved closer to him. "I just need to know…one…thing…"

She was so close Inu-Yasha that if he reached out he could touch her. "Inu-Yasha…"

"Hmm?" His heart was pounding too hard to be healthy.

"I need to ask you…"

"Yes?"

"What's a lap dance?"

Inu-Yasha didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Soft laughter from the entrance of the room made them both look up. Merocu was standing there, resplendent in all his black G-string glory. "That's an interesting question. Inu-Yasha, why don't you tell her? Or better yet, show her. Aren't they your specialty?"

"They are?" Inu-Yasha blinked at him.

Mero nodded. "Of course they are." He extended a hand towards Kagome in a gesture of dignified gentlemanliness.

_Or least as dignified as you can be in your underwear, _Inu-Yasha thought. "Uh, Mero, I don't really feel like it tonight. Why don't we—"

He was silenced by Mero's burning glare. _Do it for the money, you bastard! _his eyes said. "Well, let's ask Kagome," he said, his voice dangerously calm. "Well, Kagome? What do you say?"

"Sure!" Kagome chirped.

Inu-Yasha blanched.

"Well, meet you downstairs," Mero said cheerfully. And he left Inu-Yasha wondering where the hell the backtracker was.

"Inu-Yasha…" Kagome turned to him and took a hold of his hands. "I don't know what else to say, but…I think I'm falling in love with you. I don't know how, but as soon as I lay eyes on you I…" Her cheeks were flushed. "So will you show me what it is? I'm just _aching _with curiosity."

"Uh-huh," Inu-Yasha said dumbly, his hands growing numb. At this point, he would do anything. Lap dancing was a walk in the park compared to the extent he'd go for her.

But he had no idea how good he was, or what the hell he might do to her. Hmm…

When he was done, that probably wasn't all she'd be aching with.

* * *

It wasn't until they were surrounded by a group of eager guests that Inu-Yasha fell off Cloud 9, retrieved his brains, and realized exactly what he was supposed to do.

"Uh-uh," he said. "No way."

"Come on, Inu," Mero wheedled. "I don't remember you being so frigid about lap dances."

"No. You can't make me do this."

"Oh, please, Inu. You better not be starting on that whole my-body-is-a-sacred-temple thing, not when you've got such a good career going."

Inu-Yasha scoffed. "But my body _is _a temple." _With muscles like these, it's a very fine temple indeed. _

"Fine," Mero said. "So Kagome is going to be your priestess." He winked at the birthday girl. "Unless her sister would like to break the ice a bit?" he addressed Kikyo.

She waved a hand. "Please. I was the priestess while you guys were upstairs having your ménage a trois. I pass the priestess thing onto Kagome, now." She grinned at her confused sister. "Nothing but the purest, right?"

Inu-Yasha didn't like this. He felt cheap and degraded, and very, very pissed.

"I'm not doing this," he said loudly. The music stopped.

Kagome tilted her head and looked at him. "Doing what?"

"Doing…never mind. It's stupid and I can't believe I am standing here in my underwear while all of you expect me to ruin the mind of an innocent girl by shaking my ass. Ick. Don't you all feel ashamed of yourselves?"

Mero threw him a disgusted look. "What we're ashamed of, Inu-Yasha, is that they paid and you didn't deliver." He stepped ahead of Inu-Yasha. "Never mind, I'll do it. And to apologize for this piss-wart here, I'll throw in an extra free lap and a five-man routine."

"No you're not." Inu-Yasha grabbed his shoulder and shoved him backwards. "Not to Kagome."

"What the fuck, Inu?! Step back or I'll fry that ass for dinner."

A chorus of _Oohs _came up from everyone.

Inu-Yasha wasn't fazed. He was used to making comebacks to people who taunted him. "Yeah? Well, if I tried to fry yours, your fat ass would burn until the end of the world and a week."

Another chorus of _Oohs. _

Mero slapped him.

Inu-Yasha slapped him back.

They bitch-slapped each other.

Someone—in the spirit of the moment—slapped Inu-Yasha's ass.

That someone slapped the wall via Inu-Yasha's fist.

Inu-Yasha didn't like this wish anymore. Kagome was in love with him, true—but as a male dancer to be ogled and abused by everyone. It was a sorry life.

He ducked Mero's punch and felt frantically for the backtracker. After a few seconds of panicked searching, he remembered.

_Oh yeah…how in all the universe could I fit that into my underwear? _

Mero punched him in the face. Inu-Yasha kicked him down and sprinted upstairs to the bedroom, Mero at his heels like a sleek panther.

He burst into the room and grabbed the backtracker. "Come on, come on, come on," he panted, punching in the symbols.

"You fucking coward! Get back there and dance, dammit!" Mero yelled, throwing another punch.

"Inu-Yasha! I still don't know what you were supposed to do!" Kagome wailed at the door.

"Bastard! I said _happy_! She's not _happy!_" Kikyo screeched.

But Inu-Yasha was already spinning far, far away from that world, to a land of normalcy and real clothing.

* * *

Inu-Yasha opened his eyes.

Sesshoumaru gazed steadily back.

Inu-Yasha jolted up. "Where am I?" He down at his clothes; he was wearing his Nakusaru High uniform. He looked around; the school gate zoomed in front of his eyes. Students passed him without a glance, and not surprisingly they walked right past Sesshoumaru. He thought of one last thing—tentatively he felt his backside. He relaxed. Everything a-ok.

He glared accusingly at Sesshoumaru. "You screwed up my wish," he said.

"We only granted it the way it was expressed," Sesshoumaru said. "Will you tell me your wish was not granted?"

"I didn't want to be…_that_ for crying out loud!" Inu-Yasha argued.

"You should have expressed that when you were wishing," Sesshoumaru replied smoothly.

Inu-Yasha wanted to grab Sesshoumaru's placid face in his hands and squish it around like silly putty. "Never mind, I still have six more wishes…more than enough to get Kagome…" he mumbled.

"Will you make your wish now?"

Inu-Yasha scowled at him. "Gimme a minute, I'm still recovering." He rubbed his forehead. "Where's Naraku?"

"He had other things to tend to. We will alternate granting your wishes, which is why you must make a wish now. I am getting impatient."

"Where in hell does it say that you can order me to make a wish?" Inu-Yasha demanded.

"Shall I summon the contract?"

"Bah. Never mind. I don't know what to wish for." Inu-Yasha glanced at the students streaming through the school gates and his heart stopped. Kagome, surrounded by a group of her friends, was drawing closer.

"Kagome! You should have said yes to Hojo!" One of them squealed.

"Yes, he's so nice, and handsome—well, he will be again once he's out of the hospital."

"You can tell he's brave—he ignored Kikyo-sama's wrath and asked you anyway! And he only had a broken arm after Kikyo was through with him!"

Kagome was blushing. "I don't know…"

"And he's a family man! He loves kids. You know can depend on him."

Kagome caught Inu-Yasha's eyes, and smiled faintly in acknowledgement. Then she looked away, and suddenly Inu-Yasha was facing their backs. He watched them go past as Kagome's friends jostled her. "Wouldn't you like a family man, Kagome?"

Kagome laughed. "Why not? I'd love to have a family in the future. A family man would suit me fine…I just don't know about Kikyo though…"

Their voices trailed off. Inu-Yasha stood motionless, in complete silence.

"_Now?_" Sesshoumaru drawled.

"Shut up! Give me time to appreciate the fact that Kagome in all her blessed normalness has just walked by me."

"I don't know why you turn so stupid around her. She's nothing special."

"That's because you are a jackass," Inu-Yasha replied. "And I've made my second wish."

"Do tell. I haven't got all the time in the world."

"Yes you do, you're the Devil," Inu-Yasha snapped. "Anyway…I wish I were a family man, and Kagome was my wife. We'd have lots of kids— three," he added hurriedly as he noticed a gleam in Sesshoumaru's eyes, "And live in an amazing house. I wish I were someone she could depend on. That's, er, part of the same wish, not a different one, by the way."

Sesshoumaru sighed with boredom. "As you wish."

And Inu-Yasha was off, ready to—literally—start life anew…a perfect life with Kagome.


End file.
